Oh, dear, what can the matter be?

Oh, dear, what can the matter be? 

by Bill Halson


Chorus 1

Oh, dear, what can the matter be?

Tories and Labour both teetering backwardly,

UKIP ecstatic, Lib Dems fearing tragedy.

What a curious state of affairs.


Verse 1

Westminster, as Scots enjoyed their referendum,

Suddenly panicked:  decided to send’em

All three party leaders so as not to offend ‘em.

They even wheeled out Tony Blair.


Verse 2

Just when Alex Salmond thought that he had done it,

‘Cos Alistair Darling had totally blown it,

At the very last minute, ‘twas Gordon wot won it!

Nobody’d  known he was there.


Chorus 2

And it’s oh dear, pity the Englishmen,

Devolved powers to Welshmen, the Scots and the Irishmen,

But depend for their laws on MP’s from West Lothian

And now they’re beginning to care.


Verse 3

The Tories would bar MP’s North of the Border,

But Labour thinks that would be quite out of order.

The Scot Nats are ranting and screaming blue murder.

Lib Dems want it just to be fair!


Verse 4

Lib Dems spent their conf’rence lambasting the Tories

And waxed sentimental about their past glories.

Nigel Farage drank beer and told very rude stories:

He just loves to let down his hair!


Chorus 3

Now it’s oh dear, poor David Cameron,

Lost two MP’s and then got a hammerin’,

For his blood his right-wingers are clamourin:

How can he look so debonair?



Verse 5

In Europe they gave him a sudden large invoice

And said, about paying, the rules gave him no choice:

Guess which politician in Wagnerian voice

Sang:  ‘Ich liebe dich, danke sehr’?


Verse 6

Ed Miliband messed up his job application.

He spoke without notes and without hesitation.

The deficit somehow, dropped off his oration:

I wonder, was he unaware?


Chorus 4

Oh dear, Scots Labour’s new chorus

Is “Ed Miliband is a real dinosaurus”.

They say “Westminster won’t do anything for us.

They’re too ‘London–centric’ to care.”


Verse 7

Three cheers for the PM for coming out shootin’.

He fired a broadside at Vladimir Putin.

Am I cynical thinking his aim is recruitin’

To raise his electoral share?


Verse 8

Good news for the marchers and anti-capit’lists,

A book has appeared with a new Brand of Politics.

For myself it just sounds like a cart-load of bollitics.

I’m sorry, it just makes me swear.


Chorus 5

Poor, dear Liz Truss in an awful stew:

Ducklings in Yorkshire going down with the avian ‘flu.

She’s down on her knees praying turkeys won’t catch it, too.

UKIP blame it on immigrant air.


Verse 9

The gen’ral election will soon be upon us

With numerous parties attempting to con us

And scores of MP’s fear that they’ll soon be gonners:

For the real world they have to prepare.


Verse 10

A new coalition the pollsters predict.

It’s enough to make David and Ed feel quite sick.

Will the balance be held by Nigel and Nick?

They’d make such an elegant pair.


Chorus  5 (Last)

So it’s oh, dear, back to reality.

Will we ever return to two party duality?

Or is it henceforth multi-party rivality?

Frankly, I really don’t care!



©Bill Halson , November 2014

Reproduced by kind permission of Bill Halson. If you would like to use any part of it

please make a contribution to your favourite charity.

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